Jokes

Japanese Car
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah.. so expensive!

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"


Why was 6 afraid of 7--  because 7~8~9

I come from a stupid family
 
What does the ocean say to the boat,~~  Nothing,it's just waves
 
What do you call a sleeping car~     A bulldozer
 
What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes~     Frosted flakes
 
The bartender asked what I wanted, "Surprise me " I said, so he showed me a naked picture of my wife
 
What's 5 miles long and has an IQ of 60~~     A blonde parade
 
Yo mama's a so yellow, traffic slows down when she smiles
 
What do elves do after school? ~~     Gnomework
 
Why don't they play poker in the jungle? ~~     Too many cheetahs
 
I stuck my head out of the window and got arrested for mooning~~      Rodney Dangerfield
 
Yo mama's so ugly when she walks into a bank,they turn of the surveillance cameras
 
What do you call a brunette between 2 blondes~~    An Interpreter
 
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses~~     Because she had bright students
 
How do you amuse a blonde for hours~~     Give her a sheet of paper with "Please turn over" scribbled on both sides
 
What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive~~    A mini van
 
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work ~~  A stick
 
To mama's so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
 

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you get rid of him for the entire 
weekend~~    Zenna Schaffer
I find television very educational .Everytime someone turns on the TV set,I go into the other room and read a book~~       Groucho Marx
 
To men, sex is an emergency and no matter what we are doing, we would be ready in 2 minutes~~Jerry Seinfeld
 
What is the Mosquitos favorite sport?~~    Skin-diving
 
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.He said he wanted more proof~~     Rodney Dangerfield
 
When I was born,the doctor said to my father, "I'm sorry,we did everything we could,but he still pulled thru"~~    Rodney Dangerfield
 
What did the adding machine say to the cashier~~     You can count on me
 
What did the bee say to the flower, ~~     Hi Honey
 
What bird is always out of breath, ~~A Puffin
 
What did theater say to the stamps ~~      Stay with me and we'll go places
 
What did the mayonnaise say when  someone opened the refrigerator door~~     Close the door,I am dressing
 
What is the fruitiest lesson~~      History,because it is full of dates
 
Yo mama's so short you can see her feet on her drivers license
 
Actually,it only takes one drink to get loaded.Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.~~George Burns
 
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.Who is the oldest? ~~     The blonde,because she is 18
 
How does a blonde spell "farm"~~     E-I-E-I-O
 
I was the best man at the wedding .If I am the best man,why is she marrying him?~~     Jerry Seinfeld
 
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations -we're doing everything to 
keep our marriage together~~     Rodney Dangerfield
 
Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she's as who it was  she said "No but I did get the license number"~~     Rodney Dangerfield
 
What's the definition of a will~~     A dead giveaway
 
When is a baseball player like a thief?~~     when he steals a base
 
Why is baseball like a cake?~~      they both need batters
 
How do you prevent a summer cold?~~     Catch it in the winter
 
Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?:  She mislaid them.
 
Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game?:  Because all the fans have left.
 
What lights up a soccer stadium?:  A soccer match.
 
Yo mama's so short she models for trophies.
 
How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate ch cookies?:  You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
 
Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.
 
Life is just a bowl of pits.
 
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?:  Both are completely empty from the neck up.
 
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way.
 
I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!'
 
How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?:  Lend her your bottle of shampoo that says "Lather, rinse, repeat".
 
One day I came home and saw a guy jogging naked, I said "Hey buddy why are you doing that", he said "Cause you came home early."
 
Yo mama's so old her social security number is one.
 
What type of bow can never be tied?:  A Rainbow.
 
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
 
How do you make milk shake?:  Give it a good scare.
 
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.;Jerry Seinfeld
 
I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage.
 
The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.
 
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
 
What is the cannibal's favorite game?:  Swallow the leader.
 
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?:  A milkshake.
 
Yo mama's so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint roller.
 
Why did the blonde return a scarf to the store?:  Because it was too tight.
 
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.~~     Jerry Seinfeld
 
Yo mama's so poor she can't afford to pay attention.
 
What kind of food is crazy about money?:  A dough-nut.
 
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.~~Rodney Dangerfield
 
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.~~Rodney Dangerfield
 
What do you call a smart blonde?:  A golden retriever.
 
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing?~~     Jerry Seinfeld
 
How do you make antifreeze?:  You steal her blanket.
 
What do you call a man with a car on his head?:  Jack.
 
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? ~~Rita Rudner
 
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.~~      Bob Hope
 
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter. ~~     Jerry Seinfeld
 
With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet. ~~     Rodney Dangerfield
 
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.~~     Steven Wright
 
Yo mama's so ugly when she went to a haunted house, she came out with a job application.
 
What is full of holes but can still hold water?:  A sponge.
 
What do you call a deer with no eyes?:  No eye-deer.
 
A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman knows.~~     Monica Piper
 
What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?:  "Oh, look...doughnut seeds."
 
What is a tree’s favorite drink?:  Root beer. 

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.~~      Bob Hope
 
What do you find at the end of everything?:  The letter "g".
 
When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream. ~~      Rodney Dangerfield

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?:  Give him some sheet music.
 
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?:  Because she was trying to make up her mind.
 
Who invented underground tunnels?:  A mole.
 
When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.~~     Rodney Dangerfield
 
Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me.~~     Bobcat Goldthwait
 
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.~~Johny Carsson